“Why don’t I get asked out?” This question has always plagued so many women. There could be numerous reasons. The guy may be too shy. The timing may be off. Or he’s just not that into you. Or do you think it’s you? You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not funny enough. For many women it’s the later.  It’s our low self-esteem that creates a vicious cycle of self-loathing that, in short, turns the guys off.

1.  Nobody fancies me. Everybody has a dry spell now and then. But if you let this thought consume you, it will cause you to:
2. Ignore those checking you out and pay attention to rejection messages.  All because you think “nobody fancies you.” This in turn creates:
3. Feelings of unattractiveness and self-consciousness.  Which can results in:
4. Sloppy dress, acting unsocial and not mixing with others.  This leads to more:
5. You don’t get asked out, which reinforces #1 Nobody fancies you.

Breaking out of this vicious cycle may take time but it’s completely doable. It all starts with raising your self-esteem.  (1) Dress up and go out with some good friends, friends that will complement you and you them. (2) Stay positive, which will cause you to laugh and smile. People are attracted to happy people; they don’t want to be around people who will bring them down. (3) Do activities that you enjoy. When you do what you love your personality shines – that’s when people will notice you. (4) And keep your eye out for those that do notice you. Let that boost your ego and raise your self-esteem.  (5) Lastly, remember that confidence is sexy.

Now that you have the how to, only practice makes perfect. Get out there and start dating!

By Dao Nguyen

Does it matter what type of drink you get on a first date?  While it's never good to judge people before getting to know them better, what drink you order could say a lot about you.  It's common that people make basic stereotypes based off drink selection, whether it be a glass of wine, a shot or Jameson, or even just a soda.

These generalizations are simply generalizations, but it's always good to be conscious of what vibe you're putting out at the bar.

Bud Light or light beer - Almost certainly a sports fan and love hanging with the guys on a Sunday afternoon.

Vodka Cran/Soda - Always a crowd favorite and a safe bet if you're not sure what you're getting yourself into but want to fit in.

Micro Brews - Knowledgeable about your beers and looking to enjoy a fun night.

White Wine - Probably a women, trying to relax and typically a little wound up.

Red Wine - You're either women or male looking to relax and enjoy a good meal.

Whiskey - You're a boss.

Martini - Classy and looking for a fun time. (might as well be screaming "TALK TO ME!")

Vodka on the Rocks - Why? ...

Jager - You're reminiscing on the good times with your friends in college.

Fireball - You're looking to get the party started or keep the party going but you're not into something that'll make you cringe.

Old-fashioned - Business comes first but you know how to enjoy life.

Margarita - Life's a party.

PBR- Sophisticated, simple, and looking for the cheapest beer at the bar.

Tequila shot - Trying to forget it all.

Long Island / AMF / Tokyo Tea - Trying to get drunk asap for sex or forgetfulness.

Gin & Tonic - Probably the DD.

Champagne - Time to celebrate!

Soda - Just there to observe or chaperone.

I hope these help a little as to what some common generalizations are with certain drinks.  Keep in mind it can always depend on the venue and atmosphere as well.  I'd recommend to usually go for the house cocktails if you're looking to try something new and keep up an anonymous appearance!

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you

Choosing a profile picture on a dating website can be a daunting task.  Everyone wants to come off as the cool and attractive single.  While most people don’t put much thought into their profile picture, it is one of the most important attributes on a dating profile.   Having a profile picture helps prove that you are human and it is your first connection to a viewer.  If you have a picture of a soccer ball or a flower there will always be a sense of hesitation in the communication and some people won't even bother.  You should always include yourself in your profile picture.  It’s important to follow several steps when posting your picture to optimize your results!

• Be in the picture andbe close enough for someone to recognize you (don’t be 40ft away). 
• Choose a picture that highlights your best features.
• Make sure the picture is a quality photo and not outdated.
• Avoid pictures with a lot of people or friends more attractive than you.
• Self-shot pictures are more successful than group photos
• Women should look directly into the camera while making a flirty face.  Men should avoid smiling and avoid looking at the camera. 
• Try to be doing something interesting such as traveling or at a sporting event.
• It’s good to have 3-5 pictures of yourself and avoid similar photos and similar outfits.
• Look like you’re having fun… Everyone wants to date a fun person!

I hope this article helps you take an attractive profile picture!  Remember to always look confident when taking photos and don’t put a photo up where you look uncomfortable.  Now have fun and go upload some profile pictures! 

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you

Dating is much like a job.  There is typically some sort of interview process that we must go through before being accepted as a candidate.  Once you've gotten the job, the real fun can begin!  The beginning of a relationship is usually full of fond memories and romantic outings.  Some relationships continue to have these amazing times and continue to blossom, always presenting new twists to spark the relationship.  Others dwindle and die... Sometimes a breakup can be an easy process with two accepting parties while other times it's more difficult and even hostile.  Depending on the person, some people are ready for the breakup and are able to move on rather quickly and cleanly.  On the other hand, some relationships leave a mark and are more difficult to get past.

Dating after being in a relationship can be one of the most difficult things to motivate yourself to do.  I see it as there are two different scenarios.  You're either ready to be free and just have fun or you're unable to let go of the past and just want to seclude yourself and avoid contact with anyone that may be a potential partner.  When people are getting back into the dating scene after a tough breakup, their friends are typically invaluable as pillars of support.  If your friends aren't very supportive of you it makes the process much more difficult and effects your confidence moving forward. 

The best thing to do is to just get out and meet new people.  You don't have to be looking for a relationship, or even someone to flirt with.  It's just good to get out and make new friends and meet new people and it'll help keep your mind off of your ex.  Before you know it you'll have some new friends, new options, and will be happy and moved on.

Arthur G. Bahr

As fun as it can be to go out by yourself in San Francisco, not many people venture off on their own.  Sometimes you find yourself stuck in a situation where you want to talk to someone you find attractive or interesting but they’re in a group or with a friend.  One of the toughest situations is starting a conversation with someone who’s brought a friend because it’s intimidating and sometimes the person puts off a less social vibe.  The first and most important thing to establish is if the person is looking to talk to someone or if they’re just out to have a good time and catch up with their friend.

I’m going to review some scenarios that show how you can start a conversation and analyze what the person’s motives are.  There are a few steps and observations that I’m going to go over that can make all the difference!

Deciding if they’re there to meet someone can depend on where you are.  The circumstances change depending on the venue and environment.  Your approach will be different for people that are at a loud venue or club opposed to being at a quiet lounge or even a coffee shop.  The approach will also vary depending on if you’re male or female.  Females typically don’t have to do much more than a few basic flirting techniques to get a guy to start a conversation.

Check out our article on Flirting Tips and Advice.

Men on the other hand have a little more work to do.  They need to be able to figure out if the women are there for “girls night” or if they want some company.  The biggest tell is the eyes.  If a women is looking around or not fully involved in the conversation with their friend it typically means they’re open to meet someone new.  If you can make eye contact once or even twice with that person, you’ve already kicked off the introductions.

When approaching a group or friends it’s important to not disrespect anyone. Avoid interrupting conversation or trying to sit down immediately.  It’s good to start with a hello and introduction.  If you're creative you can throw in a line about something relevant.  But don't try to hard to be funny and definitely don't say anything that someone could find offensive.  It’s almost impossible to remember everyone’s name but make sure you focus on remembering the person of interest’s name! 

If the conversation dies out or you begin to feel a little uncomfortable you can politely excuse yourself with a "well it was nice meeting you, I'm going to go [do something]."  If the conversation kicks off and you've been accepted into the group it's important to give everyone an appropriate amount of attention (let them all talk and listen to them) but give the person your interested in the most attention and even possibly try to make some more eye contact.  When you're talking to the whole group try to keep topics open and unpersonal.  If things are moving well and you're sitting/standing next to the person of interest and you've made some eye contact when talking, you can begin a smaller and more personal conversation with that person and eventually break away from the group for another round of drinks. 

If there is only one other friend then you need to be very respectful and polite to them. They're typically the one who will dictate if you stay and chat or not!  In this scenario you probably won't be able to break away from the friend, but you can entertain them with good conversation and plan another date or exchange contact information after the end of the night.

I hope this information helps!  The last thing to remember is confidence,  you have to be confident but appropriate to get accepted to the group and it's always good to try and make people laugh.

Keep an eye out for upcoming workshops for flirting and moving a conversation along on our Meetup page!

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you

Coming up with good date ideas can be difficult.  Everyone likes different things and has different abilities and skills.  The goal of HowAboutADate.com is to come up with a date based around an activity that you’re passionate about because when you're doing what you love is when your personality shines. Take a second to really think about what you’re hobbies are, what you do for fun, and what you’d like to do with someone else. 

Now that you have an idea of some things that you enjoy doing, you can begin to think of things that will compliment that date and be fun for you and your date.  For example, if my fun activity was to go bowling I’d think of some fun places to bowl and some fun activities that compliment bowling that my date and I could do before, during, or after bowling.  I live in the Mission and happen to have been to Mission Bowl before and know that it is a really hip bowling alley with a bar that provides food and drinks while bowling or lounging.  With this knowledge I could plan a date that involves grabbing a drink or bite while waiting for a lane to open up or during or after bowling a round or two.  This makes for a multi-leveled date. This means that there is one main activity that I’m passionate about, allowing me to be comfortable and myself while on the date and at the same time have other activities that help “break the ice” or keep the date going even after the activity has ended.  I recommend having another “after the date” activity lined up that could be a fun suggestion if the date is going really well.  Make sure there are enough activities to really get to know each other without already getting sick of each other!

Here are a few more date examples that have complimenting activities.

• Attend a symphonywith drinks before to get to know each other or after to discuss the show.

• Plan a bike ridedown the embarcadero and grab lunch at a café with a view along the way.

• Show up early to a trivia night at a local bar to get to know each other before showing off your skills.

• Pack a sandwich and go for a hike with a relaxing picnic break.

You can also check out Nifty Date Ideas for more suggestions.

Now you're ready to get on HowAboutADate.com and post your date!

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you

Dating can be nerve racking, which is why we at HowAboutADate.com believe in activity based dating to avoid the pressures and awkwardness of traditional dating.  Although you may be doing an activity that you’re both passionate about, there still need to be conversation.  Some conversation may come naturally and flow while other times may have some “awkward” moments.  I’ve provided several topics and tips below to help you spark a good conversation and keep the ball rolling!  It’s important to note though that you should never ask really personal questions or dig around someone’s past relationships on the first or even 2^nd or 3^rd dates.   If someone wants to talk about their past relationships or really personal things they will bring it up themselves.

This article also goes hand in hand with an earlier article I wrote on The Importance of Communication.

Tips:

Keep the conversation moving but don’t pry into anything personal or the past

Don’t vent or get carried away with certain topics

Don’t just wait for your turn to talk, be genuinely interested in the conversation and person

Topics:

Where have you traveled or want to travel?

Do you enjoy your job? What do you do? Would you rather be doing anything else?

Where is your favorite hangout?

What are some of your hobbies or interests?

What type of music do you listen to?

Do you have any siblings? Are you close to your family?

What’s your favorite movie of all time (or one of your favorites) and why?

Do you have a nickname and what’s the story behind it?

These topics are all good for conversation but there are plenty more out there.  It’s good to avoid questions that can have a “yes or no” question as those can easily cool off a conversation.

You can find more tips for communicating and dating in my article Just the Tips of the Iceberg.

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you

This is a question that has baffled friends for years.  Everyone has their own type, obsessions, and fantasies.  Trying to figure out your friend’s type can be a big deal.  While I may like certain attributes about women, my friends might like a totally different type.  It's not only important to find out what your friends like, but it would benefit you to figure out what exactly you're attracted to as well!  You may not always agree on who is attractive or not; respect that everyone has different preferences and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.   People tend to look at several different things when they’re attracted to someone; check out these attributes.

Legs – I put legs first because I personally am a hugelegs person.  I melt when I see an athletic woman with tan and toned legs.  Legs are usually a pretty common turn on for guys and most women know it and aren’t afraid to show it!

Eyes – It’s always nice to have good looking eyes, but what’s more important is how you use them.  People with good looking eyes tend to let their eyes do the flirting for them.

Skin – Everyone likes soft skin… Obviously there are lots of different races and lots of different colors of skin but it's important to remember again that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It’s important to keep your skin healthy and moisturized!

Body – Muscles are a huge turn on for women.  I’d guess that close to 80% of women will be attracted to a guy that’s ripped and fit.  Having a toned body can play a role in first impressions, but don’t go overboard.  There are lots of people that work out so much that it consumes them and their body begins to lose its appeal.  There is an especially fine line for women, it’s important to be toned and fit, but men typically aren’t attracted to women who look more muscular than them.

Curves – I know the first thing you think of is that men would notice this more than women but informal studies show that women look at men’s butts quite often as well!  It’s always nice to have curves and some people are more attracted to curvy women than others.  Whether you have curves or not, confidence will always improve one’s attributes.

Smile – Everyone likes a good smile!  It’s important to show a friendly attitude.  You’ll be much more attractive if you smile and lots of people fall for a friendly face.

Personality – Your personality is the most important attribute you have!  It may not come into play until your looks have someone’s attention but that doesn’t change the fact that people with out-going personalities are much more attractive and likeable than quiet and reserved people. Shy or not, being comfortable with yourself is always attractive.

Style – Your style refers to clothing and overall appearance.  Some people are just attracted to people who know how to dress.  If you see a women with a dazzling dress on or a man in a tux, it’s likely that you’ll be more attracted to them than if they were in street clothes, regardless of their looks. 
You don’t have to spend much to dress well. Guys, here’s a link for you to dress well on a budget: http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201004/gq-guide-style-secrets-cheap-budgetand ladies, here’s one for you: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8cIhZRpzY0‎

Everyone has their type and their own “goggles” on that allow for them to see different attributes in people.  This is exactly why some friendships don’t work out and some parents can’t understand what their kids see in their crush.  It’s important to note what types of people your friends are interested in to better understand their motives and to better you chances of helping each other out in a dating environment.

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you

Since we've become so reliant and dependent on mobile devices, which allow us to text and avoid personal interactions, sexting has grown to become one of the largest ways of modern day flirting.  "Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages and/or photographs, primarily between mobile phones or devices." -Wikipedia

Ultimately, sexting is the next evolution to phone sex.  While there isn't the same verbal interaction, people are able to turn each other on from anywhere and use their imagination to fulfill their sexual desires.

There are two main forms of sexting, one is text and the other is via pictures.  It's important to note also that if you're going to be sending pictures of yourself to someone you should either have an extremely trusting relationship or try to leave your head, or any recognizable things, out of the photo.

Teenagers have begun sexting which has caused a large amount of commotion over pictures being leaked and other information.  Phone apps such as "Snapchat", which allows you to take a picture that will be erased up to 8 seconds after the person opens it, has allowed for teenagers to exchange all sorts of photos and messages without any backlash.  It's important to sext responsibly!

Sexting is a great way to spice up a relationship or let someone know you're interested in them.  The goal of sexting is typically to encourage a future sexual interaction with the receiver.  It has helped maintain a sexual desire in busy relationships and is encouraged between couples.

The trick to sexting is to tease; you want to add in sexual intentions without being to forward or up front.  It's important to turn the person on and not creep them out.  I suggest adding some creative humor to compliment the sexual comments.  Be descriptive but don't include too much detail, let the person's imagination have a little fun.

Sexting can be sensual, romantic, and descriptive.  A good sext will hit on several of these areas.  Some people even use the "**hugs**" kind of approach and will sext something like **wrap my arms around you and kiss you slowly** in which the ** ** indicate an imaginary action that the two of you are participating in. 

Some good sexting examples can be found at http://sextingexamples.org/.  There are several examples of different approaches in the comments.

Now that you understand the background and basics it's time to test it out!

Happy sexting,

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you

We all have them.  They’re everywhere and they look just like you and me.  We share our deepest darkest secrets with them, introduce them to our parents, include them in our plans, and even buy them gifts.  I’m referring to Frienemies.  A Frienemyis someone who pretends to be your friend when in reality, they're your enemy.  They’ve successfully worked their way into your inner circle of friends with one goal in mind, to create problems for you.  Frienemies are found more often in female relationships than male relationships, but this doesn’t mean men Frienemiesdon’t exist!  Per my experience, I’ve found that most men Frienemies sprout from rivalries or competitive scenarios.  Women Frienemies tend to be more mischievous, selfish, ruthless, and have less conscious repercussions.  Frienemies can be found in the social world as well as the corporate world and are most often driven by jealousy.

Some Frienemies do us harm without even realizing it.  It could simply be the symptoms of insecurity or jealousy. The first step to solving your Frienemy problems is learning how to spot them.  Here are some simple ways for you to recognize if you have Frienemies!  Frienemies tend to continuously bring you down.  If you’ve accomplished something impressive, they’ll look for negativity.  An example could be if you just aced a final in your first class of the day and instead of congratulating you, they remind you that you have another final that you didn't study for coming up.  These are negative comments that keep you from building confidence and can be hard to spot.  Negativity should always be avoided.  It’s better to think positively and learn to pick out the positives from situations rather than focus on the negatives.

Another noticeable tendency in Frienemies is their availability.  Frienemies tend to always ask for your attention or support when they are in a tough situation but will always be busy or unavailable whenever you need them.  Many people are oblivious to these situations and are constantly being taken advantage of.

Make yourself available to your friends, sometimes this means making sacrifices.  Make sure your friends are willing to make time for you too.  True friends are there for each other when they’re needed.

Some people feel uncomfortable when with specific friends.  If your gut is telling you that there is something shady about your friend, there usually is.  Don’t spend time around people who are a bad influence on you.  Frienemies try to convince you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing or may even try to persuade you to do something that results in trouble.  This could include providing poor advice and selfish decisions. 

Everyone has that one Frienemywho continuously puts embarrassing things on Facebook or other social media sites. These people will take pictures of you at an event and purposely look for the most embarrassing picture of you and best picture of them and post it for everyone to see.  This is one of the most obvious ways to spot a Frienemy.  It’s not that tough to figure out which pictures are appropriate and which aren’t.  Furthermore, they’ll bring up past times that were unpleasant for you.  This could involve resurfacing pictures or stories from an old Vegas trip that highlight some regretful decisions.

In conclusion, most Frienemies lack respect for you and tend to have cruel intentions.  It’s important to be able to spot your Frienemies and expose them for what they really are.  If you don’t think you have any Frienemies you better look back at these signs and make sure you aren’t the Frienemy.  The best way to deal with a Frienemy is to confront them.  Most of the time they will deny these signs or they’ll say you’re too sensitive or emotional and try to throw everything back on you.  Keep your intentions pure and remain loyal to your friends.  I hope this article has helped you spot your Frienemiesand prevent future problems!

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you